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| New years are supposed to herald new beginnings; why does it feel as if the cycle has merely reset itself? Admittedly, this feeling is different, something that is indescribable, unfathomable. To call it sorrow would be grossly inaccurate, whilst to label it happiness would definitely be overboard. No, melancholic indifference is what I deign it to be. Or at least that is what it feels like. To the uneducated reader, the aforementioned emotional state refers to feeling unsure of what the future holds, torn between eager anticipation of moving forward and the fond remembrance of the past. Essentially, it embodies the emotional innertia one invariably feels when transitioning from one chapter of life to the next.
Unlike Frost's The Road Not Taken, which only features 2 separate paths, the current situation concerns multiple, diverging paths, each leading to places still unknown. Yes dear reader, this post relates to the inevitable separation following graduation. "To each his/her own" is a phrase that I find particularly apt; it accurately captures the movement of individuals in an infinite number of directions, away from the uniting nucleus that was school. Like the seeds of a plant, we will be carried away from each other, towards places and in directions that may - at times - even confuse us. We will be spirited away, whether we allow ourselves to be or not. We will be caught up by and enveloped by the world around us; perhaps, we may even be swallowed whole. In this case, survival lies in the hands of fortune and providence. Some may emerge stronger, harder, more resolute. Others will break, and fall, disappointed and disillusioned, by the wayside. Hopefully, like iron sharpening iron, the majority of us will move on to higher ground, toward a better, brighter future.
That said however, there will always be a part of us that desperately holds on to the past. Memories, as a wise person once said, have a power that transcends human understanding. They have the inexplicable ability to ensnare an individual, trapping him in the past, preventing forward progress. Perhaps that is what they mean by the saying "living in the past". Granted, the past provides elements of stability that might be found wanting in the immediate future; however, change is inevitable, and cannot be preempted. Inasmuch as we would wish to remain 18 forever, young and carefree, it is impossible. So forward we go, marching toward dreams and ambitions that seem to appear right on the horizon itself. It is moments like these that one's morale is at its lowest. There is nothing more disparaging than to always be so near yet so far away from fulfilling the desires of our hearts. And yet, we cannot stop. For we know that to stop means to give up the last remaining shred of hope, and by extension, our sanity.
Ladies and gentlemen, I put to you this: we are enemies of our own design; the more we resist change, the faster it overwhelms us. The more we live in the past and wish for time to come to a standstill, the faster it seems to flow. Mother nature is oddly perverse in that regard. Should we fail to understand that continuity is an absolute certainty, then we only have ourselves to blame. Let us therefore not live in the past, but look forward to the future. Only time will tell where providence - and the wind - carries each and every one of us.
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| The beautifully ironic thing about the end is that while everyone can see it coming, its arrival nevertheless has a gargantuan impact on everyone concerned. We've all seen this coming for months now. I daresay we've even had dreams of this moment where freedom was finally bestowed upon our weary souls. And yet when that moment actually arrives, we find ourselves stricken, paralyzed by some inexplicable force. Body and soul, incapable of moving on, physically as well as psychologically. It would seem that an invisible barrier exists; psychological innertia of the most potent kind. Truth be told: We do not want to move on.
Thinking about moving on is quite the fear-inducing process. Yet perhaps it is only natural. Everyone is afraid of the unknown, its part of human nature. That said, when we left our second homes today, believe me when i say that we did not just leave physically. No, part of us will always remain behind, no matter how hard we try, it is impossible to achieve a clean break. (Not that any of us would ever even think of trying to extricate ourselves in entirety).
To most of us - myself included - the institution at Dover road holds a smorgasbord of memories, having spent the formative years - as some might term it - roaming the wide expanse that was our campus. Note that i say "was", in recognition of our new status as alumni. Well, almost anyway. Everything, from LDP in secondary 4 to Centrestage in year 5, holds a very dear place in our hearts. Everywhere we look and turn, there will always be something that will capture our attention, caterpaulting us back into the memories of yesteryear.
In fact, i remember much of my time spent there in vivid detail. So much so that it feels like it was just yesterday that I entered the school (not quite the awkward secondary 1 student, but you get the point). I remember being eager to meet new people and make new friends. And perhaps, play pranks on them of course, but that was back then. Even as today marks the end of a 6-year marathon, even as i formally walked out the gates of school for the last time, I honestly felt grateful. Honestly, I am entirely grateful for everything that the school has given me. Formal education apart, ACS has molded me into a person that no other educational institute possibly could. It is the unique blend of academia and character development that i would attribute to the incredible, once in a lifetime experience that i have had the privilege of being a part of.
I do not know if the majority of you realized, but the last gathering we had as a cohort in the mid-afternoon was especially significant. If memory serves me right, i believe that it was the place where we had our first cohort gathering, sometime back in early 2008. Looking around, it was somewhat difficult to picture the awkward shells of ourselves that we were less than 2 years ago, as compared to the confident, mature adults i expect we all are now. And yet, memories of the first days - in our initial forray into the jungle that is IB - came rushing back, making it an extremely poignant moment. Words cannot begin to describe how i felt.
For the past 6 years, I've grown accustomed to seeing the same faces, day in, day out. While at the end of sec 4, some faces disappeared, ostensibly for a prolonged period of time, the majority remained, making it somewhat tolerable. And yet now, even as i stand on the brink of this monumental transition, i find myself constantly looking back, wondering if the way forward is truly the way forward. Life apart from ACS seems life apart from life itself. I have yet to experience it and already it feels empty, pale in comparison to the colourful vibrance of the SAC and its inhabitants.
While I may never have had a conversation with some of you, i know in absolute certainty that we share a common sentiment. Our time spent in ACS, be it 2 years or 6 years, is absolutely priceless and nothing will ever change that. Even after the days of walking the corridors of the year 5/6 levels have passed, our shadows will remain. The sound of the ACS anthem will resonate within our very being. Cut us open, and we will bleed red, blue and gold. Truly, it has been nothing short of a pleasure.
Cheers,
D.
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| I've come to realize that religion truly is a powerful concept. Not only does it have the power to inspire hope where there is none, it is also capable of making people to the craziest things. It creates belief where none pre-existed, drawing on the ephemeral notion of faith. As much as i would like to believe that there is more to it than meets the eye, simply put, that is what religion is. It is nothing but a social construct designed with the sole purpose of making people feel better, giving them hope when there actually is none. Without a doubt, it is the opiate of the people - as Marx once famously said - and is something society is incapable of functioning without.
We all need something to believe in, be in science, fellow human beings or seemingly omniscient, invisible entities. Regardless of what we choose to believe in, the end result is the same. Reliance on anything other than onself for strength and courage, is foolishly indulgent and invariably weak. Not only is it foolish to hold firm to the hope that one day, some all-seeing entity will come and save you, it is also ridiculous to hold so much stock in the words of such "entities" as it were.
I understand that faith is an extraordinary manifestation of the strength of the human spirit. Yet perhaps where religion is concerned, this faith is acutely misplaced. One would be better of believing in other, more tangible entities as opposed to something that can neither be proved to exist, nor proved to even have compassion for that matter. Why and how should we place the fate of our lives in the hands of something that is as intangible as gravity. Granted, although we cannot see gravity, we know it exists. But that is because scientific experimentation tells us so. On the other hand, there is no way for us to know for certain whether there even IS such a thing as a higher sentient being. And yet, we pray, seemingly to reassure ourselves that everything is going to be okay. I'd hate to be bearer of bad news, but no, everything is NOT going to be okay. Unless we choose to take our lives into our own hands, we will only have ourselves to blame for any undesirable outcomes. Sure we could as easily blame God for all the terrible stuff that happens to us. But let us not forget, more likely than not, it is our inaction due to faith and prayer that results in the unfortunate outcomes as it were. Truly, we are masters of our own fate, we control the outcome - deterministic as that might sound.
Likewise, Hollywood tells us that prayer should be restricted strictly to the moments prior to imminent demise. At that point, one would be obliged to prostrate oneself before whatever gods he or she believes in, and beg for mercy from an impassive entity. In that moment, we would hope with all our hearts that someone or something hears our prayers. We might cry out to the "gods of the universe", in the height of our desperation, knowing full well perhaps that no one will respond, no one will save us, because no one cares. True story.
D.
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| As much as i would like to believe that 'destiny' is purely a social construct that people create to make themselves feel better when terrible things happen to them, there are occasions when i almost feel as if i know it exists. Farfetched though it may seem, perhaps everything does happen for a reason. It sounds good when you say it, but when you then proceed to think about it, it loses its allure.
When i scrolled down my msn list of contacts today - something that i do not do on a regular basis, if in fact at all - an odd feeling that i would deign to liken to nostalgia, overwhelmed me. It struck me that i actually had not spoken to a vast majority of the people on the list for quite an extraordinary period of time. Yet when i recalled how some persons whom i had tragically 'lost touch' with, had been pillars of support when i needed them most, i had an epiphany. A very wise woman - albeit a fictional one - once said "people always leave"; only now do i realize how much of a truism that phrase actually is. People enter our lives while others exit. The simultanaeity of this whole process transcends time. We get closer to someone and drift away from others. We all know it happens. Some choose to blame time, others, distance - physical as well as emotional. Regardless of the reasons behind this entirely natural process, the fact remains: ideally, it ensures that one will always have persons to turn to should there be a necessity. The faces may change, but the entity that is 'friendship' is ever constant.
That said, there was something that made me arrive at the long drawn conclusion that destiny might actually exist. Perhaps, certain people enter our lives at certain times for certain reasons. Hasn't it ever struck you how at particular points in your lives, a person of a particular character would be best suited to help you get through that period of your life? The right person at the right time. Once their purpose is served and the tribulation endured, they move on, ostensibly to help the next person. At this point, the next person most equipped to aid in the alleviation of any distresses, would enter the picture. Whether or not they help you consciously, is irrelevant. By simply being there, they provide the support that everyone requires, even if it takes different forms.I know what you are probably thinking; this reeks of optimism. True as that may be, perhaps there is some element of truth to it. Even if there isn't, perhaps this explains why someone we would be the closest to one day, could be a complete stranger a week later. Alright, that might be somewhat of a gross exaggeration, but you get the point.
This whole concept of 'destiny' and my newfound belief in it actually kickstarted a thought process which i daresay snowballed, greatly. If we looked back on our lives, as far as we could possibly remember, how many people do we know now, that in retrospect, would have seemed the most unlikely of friends? In that regard, how many more people will we meet and grow indelibly close to in the years to come? One can never know for sure, that much is certain. After all, "the future is not ours to see, que sera sera". Yet as unpredictable as the future may be - especially in that regard - i can still honestly say that i wait with bated breath. Come to think of it, the thought of everything being predetermined actually excites me beyond even my own comprehension.
D.
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| So i opened up this window with every intention of conjuring up some piece of philosophical magic, and yet when push comes to shove, i find myself unable to express my thoughts in the manner i thought i would be able to.
But that got me thinking, life's alot like that isn't it. We all have dreams. Every single one of us has dreams about different things at different points in our lives. Big dreams, small dreams, hopes, ambitions. We've all dreamt of something at one point or another. Be it the dream of becoming a pilot one day and flying way above cloud nine, or perhaps becoming rich (or dying trying). And yet somewhere along the way, we lose sight of these dreams. What would have mattered so much to us at one point would be completely forgotten at another. This vascillation between what we can see in front of us and what we choose to see in front of us, scares me. I know that i might end up focusing on the aspects of life that are unimportant. This knowledge, in theory, should enable me to refocus on the important things. Yet, i can't.
Superfluous and incoherent as this may seem, i hope it encapsulates the inability to follow dreams to conclusion that so plagues me. It has bothered me for quite sometime and i only found it apt to write it down in a manner befitting of the topic at hand. As i type this out, i do so without pause for thought and without hesitation. Everything either comes out or it does not. Should it be omitted from my stream of consciousness, then it has no relevance or pertinance to the topic. At least in my current, momentary stupor.
Nothing has ever mattered more to me than understanding people and treasuring my friends. These 2 things i hold extremely dear to me and i would willingly lay down my life to protect it. The prospect of losing touch with my friends is an entirely frightening one and yet, very real. We all know it is upon us and yet most - if not all - of us choose not to acknowledge it. When the school year draws to a close in a good 5 weeks or so, most of us will never cross each others' paths again. What drew us together and bonded us as friends will be relegated to the annals of history, enshrined in something the we call, memory. While that may not be an entirely bad thing, it constitutes the end of an era. This chapter of our lives closed, and never to be reopened.
The dreams that each of us have and hold dear to us should be our sole target, the bullseye that we should all strive toward. Everything else should be secondary, unimportant if the primary aim remains unfulfilled. Yet somehow we always end up distracted, diverging away from what we know to be the true desire of our heart. I constantly ask myself why and yet cannot come to an answer. It torments me that i cannot seek out this most elusive piece of knowledge. That said, I admit to losing sight of myself along the way, falling by the wayside, disillusioned. Foolish as that may seem, it happens. Even, dare i say it, to the best of us. Everyone faces distractions and detours along the route to true happiness. Sometimes they even find that something else makes them equally happy, if not even happier. Which made me wonder: if in the pursuit of happiness, happiness is found, does that make the end result trivial? Or is the pursuit itself happiness? It confuses me to this day.
My dear friends, i do not know what prompted me to embark on this tirrade but i beg your leave. It probably doesn't make sense to most of you, but do bear with me. It is quite - if not entirely - essential to my "pursuit of happiness" if you will.
Cheers,
D.
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